Jealous....

I havent cried in about 2 weeks.

I have wanted to many times... almost wished i could force the tears...

But i couldnt.

My counselor told me it was my body's way of "moving twords acceptance"

But it feels like shutting down.

it feels so wrong.

like im all blocked up.

like at any moment ill just explode.

That happen this evening.

i "exploded"...

Well my emotions did anyway.

and they still are...

the tears feel refreshing, they reassure me i am indeed still alive.

but the pain is a huge wound.

everytime it tries to scab over, its ripped open again and salt is poured it...

Today was FULL of salt!

For starters, im sick with a pretty bad infection.

ill spare you the details but it IS AWFUL!

I go into the doctor this morning and the nurse looks at my chart.

and says, "OO im so sorry about the loss of your mom"

Me -"Thank you, its very hard"

Dumb nurse - "How did she die?"

Me - "by suicide"

Dumbest nurse EVER! - "OOO did she have a mental illness? Or was she just one of those attention seekers?"

Me - dumbfounded into silence...

I got my meds and got outta there as fast as i could.

The day went on....

i went to her facebook page today for the first time.

went back to all her old posts.

read them.

laughed at some, cried at most.

went with my husband to take our car to the shop.

called his mom (my mother in law) to tell her his GREAT news!

He got a permanent job!

After 18 months of being unemployed, after being wrongfully fired.

He finally found a great job!

Im SOOOOOOO proud of him and SOOOOOO happy.

But i was so insanly jealous and sad when he was talking to his mom.

all i could think was.

no matter what happens in my life.

Good, bad or ugly...

Ill never get to call and share it with my mom.

When she was alive i didnt take that opportunity, enough.

well the last few years never.

and now ill NEVER have the chance again.

as if that isnt enough SALT.

My birthday is in 10 days.

How on earth can it be, that a birthday will actually pass without her here?

for the last 27 years she has never missed an opportunity to celebrate with me...

even if it was just a simple happy birthday text.

i wont get that text this year.

im so broken.

i feel like this pain will never go away.

like i will have to walk around with all this pain for eternity.

Its just SO big... i cant see around it...

*ill write more soon about "That dumb nurse", what happened after and my thoughts about what she said... *