Good Advice...

Life is fragile. Be gentle with yourself. Practice forgiveness. Clearly speak your needs. Know that you have value. You do not walk alone. Exercise kindness, no matter how small. Give yourself permission to take the time you need. It’s okay to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations and conversations. Some people will never understand, God bless their fortunate ignorance. Take walks. Breathe deeply. It’s not your fault; you’re not to blame. Pray some and sleep some, write some and speak some, smile some and weep some, and know that you are loved. Tenderly work at healing. Beauty and happiness will return. (Kelly Strand)
*taken from a support group im apart of... it really spoke to my heart...*

Jealous....

I havent cried in about 2 weeks.

I have wanted to many times... almost wished i could force the tears...

But i couldnt.

My counselor told me it was my body's way of "moving twords acceptance"

But it feels like shutting down.

it feels so wrong.

like im all blocked up.

like at any moment ill just explode.

That happen this evening.

i "exploded"...

Well my emotions did anyway.

and they still are...

the tears feel refreshing, they reassure me i am indeed still alive.

but the pain is a huge wound.

everytime it tries to scab over, its ripped open again and salt is poured it...

Today was FULL of salt!

For starters, im sick with a pretty bad infection.

ill spare you the details but it IS AWFUL!

I go into the doctor this morning and the nurse looks at my chart.

and says, "OO im so sorry about the loss of your mom"

Me -"Thank you, its very hard"

Dumb nurse - "How did she die?"

Me - "by suicide"

Dumbest nurse EVER! - "OOO did she have a mental illness? Or was she just one of those attention seekers?"

Me - dumbfounded into silence...

I got my meds and got outta there as fast as i could.

The day went on....

i went to her facebook page today for the first time.

went back to all her old posts.

read them.

laughed at some, cried at most.

went with my husband to take our car to the shop.

called his mom (my mother in law) to tell her his GREAT news!

He got a permanent job!

After 18 months of being unemployed, after being wrongfully fired.

He finally found a great job!

Im SOOOOOOO proud of him and SOOOOOO happy.

But i was so insanly jealous and sad when he was talking to his mom.

all i could think was.

no matter what happens in my life.

Good, bad or ugly...

Ill never get to call and share it with my mom.

When she was alive i didnt take that opportunity, enough.

well the last few years never.

and now ill NEVER have the chance again.

as if that isnt enough SALT.

My birthday is in 10 days.

How on earth can it be, that a birthday will actually pass without her here?

for the last 27 years she has never missed an opportunity to celebrate with me...

even if it was just a simple happy birthday text.

i wont get that text this year.

im so broken.

i feel like this pain will never go away.

like i will have to walk around with all this pain for eternity.

Its just SO big... i cant see around it...

*ill write more soon about "That dumb nurse", what happened after and my thoughts about what she said... *

Definition of "Doing Well"

If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died."
~ Doug Manning in The Gift of Significance: Walking People through a Loss

I can totally relate to this quote... when people telling me "I am doing well"
I always think... WHAT?? i lost my mother, just a matter of weeks ago...
Who could possibly be "doing well"??
This quote sums up exactly how it feels....

A Grief Observed.

An amazing description of JUST how I feel! Wow!

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."

~ C.S.Lewis

Sadness....

It comes in waves.

One moment i feel "ok"

The next i am a complete mess.

Multiple times a day i look at my phone.

Waiting for someone to call me and tell me "they've found her"

It was all a mistake.

My mind tells me.

She can't be dead.

Just "lost" she must be.

I want to believe that all the events of the last 7 weeks were just a bad dream.

Then the world comes crashing down.

When reality hits.

And i have to acknowledge that its not.

She really is gone.

I really went to her service.

I really went through her things.

I really have her jewelry.

Not because she let me borrow it.

But because shes no longer here to wear it.

My heart ache more than i can bear.

Some healing in an unlikely place

 A Tattoo...

I always thought that i would get one, one day... i just never had something i wanted bad enough to know id never regret getting it! (I'm also a HUGE wimp when it comes to pain)... So a while ago i had a dream about my mom, and in the dream i had a tattoo on my wrist and i was showing it to her... she was crying and smiling and telling me how beautiful it was... it was such a powerful dream, it felt so real! when i woke up, i grabbed a pen and jotted down what it looked like... and i knew i had to have it! And i knew my sister had to come with me! She was set to go back to school a few days later, so on the evening before she left; we went and got inked together! It was the craziest experience EVER!   it was surreal! i could literally feel my mom there with me... proud of me & laughing at me for the funny faces and noises i was making while getting it! LOL (MAN IT HURT!) It was also really "cleansing" like i gave my grief a physical "outlet" (if that makes sense) I am SO grateful to have something permanent, that i can see everyday, makes me feel she is right here with me! It was also a huge bonding experience for my sister and i... GREAT NIGHT! Some healing definitely took place in that little tattoo parlor!

Angel Wings & 143 = I Love You

Like a River...

"Grief is like a river, not a ladder. When you suffer a loss and experience grief, you enter that river for good. It's not a steady stream: There are raging rapids of boulder-sized heartbreak and shallow pools of peace, where you get a chance to enjoy what's around you. But you are always on the river; there is no going ashore to return to a life without loss."
(Kathleen Gilbert)

*saw this on a support group im apart of and it spoke to my heart*

Her Favorite Poem...

She had this poem in frames, bookmarks, necklaces, cards, notes, plaques, and tee shirts.

She LOVED it and surrounded herself with it.

It comforted her.

and i Believe that in the end...

Literally "During her darknest time" she went from all the pain she felt on this earth.

Straight to HIS arms!

My heart aches without her here...

But my soul, rejoices that she is no longer in any PAIN!

Love you mommy! Xoxo

She is Everywhere...

Everything i do.

Everyday.

All day.

She is at the fore front of ALL my thoughts.

Everything makes me think of her.

Things have been coming to my mind that i haven't thought of in years.

Some make me me smile.

Others make me cry.

All of them are H.A.R.D.

A constant reminder of how things have changed and will never be the same.

I went digging through her jewelry box today.

Looking for a new necklace.

Found the perfect one.

Untangled it.

Went to unlatch it.

And felt like i got punched in the stomach.

There wrapped around the latch of the chain.

Was a bunch of HER HAIR!

I felt myself sliding down the wall.

and began to cry...

How can So many familiar things be here and she not be?

The smell of her favorite perfume hits me the face.

Every time i open her jewelry box.

Great sadness overcomes me, when i wear one of her favorite pieces of jewelry.

I'm Grateful to have things that she loved.

Sad that she isn't wearing them.

I miss you much, Mom!

In an instant!

One phone call.

Changes everything.

In an instant.

My whole outlook on the world shifts.

The "old me" feels like a stranger.

Someone i no longer know.

The "new me" im just getting to know.

Tried of living to please others.

Tried of killings myself for approval i may never get.

Life is too short.

To spend time on things that cause pain.

And dont bring joy!

I want to make the most of this short life.

Part of her note said, "NEVER live in fear! You can do ANYTHING!"

No Fear!

Scary but nessecary!

So here i go...

In search of the new me.

And my fearless life...

Reflections

Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say
It wasn't my intention not to see another day
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure
It wasn’t my intention to suddenly close life's door
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away
It wasn’t my intention to leave and not stay.
I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry
It wasn’t my intention to leave you, forever askinq why
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
It wasn’t my intention to tear your soul apart.

Y. Docherty

Ill miss you & love you forever! I cant believe your gone... i wish you'd been stronger, i wish i could have done something... i wish you could've stayed...

Alone...

Im surrounded by people.

And yet i feel completely alone.

How can the person who gave me life, be gone?

How on earth do i live without her?

Sadness... darkness... and despair...

Wishing... wondering... wanting her to be here...

Regret things said and unsaid.

But there nothing i can do.

Theres no going back.

Nothng i can change.

How did she feel that her life wasnt worth living?

How did she feel so alone?

Heartbreaking that she felt she had to die alone...

My mommy, had i know... would have never been alone...

Of all the people in the world...

WHY ME?

The day my world changed forever....

July 11th started like any other day... Waking up, doing some housework, waiting for my husband to get home from work so we could go to the gym together...

At around 3 pm i got a phone call... it was my grandmother and she was screaming.... the feeling of dread that came over me was, something i cant explain... i wanted to scream and vomit all at once... i was scared... i hung up on her...

I called my husband and told him something awful had happened, he needed to call gram and find out what, and come home right away! i sat down in the floor and began to weep... not knowing exactly what had happened... but knowing IT WAS BAD!

My aunt called me a while later and told me... it was my mom, and she was gone... i dont really remember the following 24 hrs... lots of screaming and trembling... i ended up going to the ER, to get something to help me sleep...

In a matter of moments, my whole world changed... my identity, my outlook... EVERYTHING!

all i could think was how can this be? how could she just leave? and of all the people in the world...

WHY ME?