Life is fragile. Be gentle with yourself. Practice forgiveness. Clearly speak your needs. Know that you have value. You do not walk alone. Exercise kindness, no matter how small. Give yourself permission to take the time you need. It’s okay to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations and conversations. Some people will never understand, God bless their fortunate ignorance. Take walks. Breathe deeply. It’s not your fault; you’re not to blame. Pray some and sleep some, write some and speak some, smile some and weep some, and know that you are loved. Tenderly work at healing. Beauty and happiness will return. (Kelly Strand)
*taken from a support group im apart of... it really spoke to my heart...*
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Jealous....
I havent cried in about 2 weeks.
I have wanted to many times... almost wished i could force the tears...
But i couldnt.
My counselor told me it was my body's way of "moving twords acceptance"
But it feels like shutting down.
it feels so wrong.
like im all blocked up.
like at any moment ill just explode.
That happen this evening.
i "exploded"...
Well my emotions did anyway.
and they still are...
the tears feel refreshing, they reassure me i am indeed still alive.
but the pain is a huge wound.
everytime it tries to scab over, its ripped open again and salt is poured it...
Today was FULL of salt!
For starters, im sick with a pretty bad infection.
ill spare you the details but it IS AWFUL!
I go into the doctor this morning and the nurse looks at my chart.
and says, "OO im so sorry about the loss of your mom"
Me -"Thank you, its very hard"
Dumb nurse - "How did she die?"
Me - "by suicide"
Dumbest nurse EVER! - "OOO did she have a mental illness? Or was she just one of those attention seekers?"
Me - dumbfounded into silence...
I got my meds and got outta there as fast as i could.
The day went on....
i went to her facebook page today for the first time.
went back to all her old posts.
read them.
laughed at some, cried at most.
went with my husband to take our car to the shop.
called his mom (my mother in law) to tell her his GREAT news!
He got a permanent job!
After 18 months of being unemployed, after being wrongfully fired.
He finally found a great job!
Im SOOOOOOO proud of him and SOOOOOO happy.
But i was so insanly jealous and sad when he was talking to his mom.
all i could think was.
no matter what happens in my life.
Good, bad or ugly...
Ill never get to call and share it with my mom.
When she was alive i didnt take that opportunity, enough.
well the last few years never.
and now ill NEVER have the chance again.
as if that isnt enough SALT.
My birthday is in 10 days.
How on earth can it be, that a birthday will actually pass without her here?
for the last 27 years she has never missed an opportunity to celebrate with me...
even if it was just a simple happy birthday text.
i wont get that text this year.
im so broken.
i feel like this pain will never go away.
like i will have to walk around with all this pain for eternity.
Its just SO big... i cant see around it...
*ill write more soon about "That dumb nurse", what happened after and my thoughts about what she said... *
I have wanted to many times... almost wished i could force the tears...
But i couldnt.
My counselor told me it was my body's way of "moving twords acceptance"
But it feels like shutting down.
it feels so wrong.
like im all blocked up.
like at any moment ill just explode.
That happen this evening.
i "exploded"...
Well my emotions did anyway.
and they still are...
the tears feel refreshing, they reassure me i am indeed still alive.
but the pain is a huge wound.
everytime it tries to scab over, its ripped open again and salt is poured it...
Today was FULL of salt!
For starters, im sick with a pretty bad infection.
ill spare you the details but it IS AWFUL!
I go into the doctor this morning and the nurse looks at my chart.
and says, "OO im so sorry about the loss of your mom"
Me -"Thank you, its very hard"
Dumb nurse - "How did she die?"
Me - "by suicide"
Dumbest nurse EVER! - "OOO did she have a mental illness? Or was she just one of those attention seekers?"
Me - dumbfounded into silence...
I got my meds and got outta there as fast as i could.
The day went on....
i went to her facebook page today for the first time.
went back to all her old posts.
read them.
laughed at some, cried at most.
went with my husband to take our car to the shop.
called his mom (my mother in law) to tell her his GREAT news!
He got a permanent job!
After 18 months of being unemployed, after being wrongfully fired.
He finally found a great job!
Im SOOOOOOO proud of him and SOOOOOO happy.
But i was so insanly jealous and sad when he was talking to his mom.
all i could think was.
no matter what happens in my life.
Good, bad or ugly...
Ill never get to call and share it with my mom.
When she was alive i didnt take that opportunity, enough.
well the last few years never.
and now ill NEVER have the chance again.
as if that isnt enough SALT.
My birthday is in 10 days.
How on earth can it be, that a birthday will actually pass without her here?
for the last 27 years she has never missed an opportunity to celebrate with me...
even if it was just a simple happy birthday text.
i wont get that text this year.
im so broken.
i feel like this pain will never go away.
like i will have to walk around with all this pain for eternity.
Its just SO big... i cant see around it...
*ill write more soon about "That dumb nurse", what happened after and my thoughts about what she said... *
Definition of "Doing Well"
If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died."
~ Doug Manning in The Gift of Significance: Walking People through a Loss
I can totally relate to this quote... when people telling me "I am doing well"
I always think... WHAT?? i lost my mother, just a matter of weeks ago...
Who could possibly be "doing well"??
This quote sums up exactly how it feels....
~ Doug Manning in The Gift of Significance: Walking People through a Loss
I can totally relate to this quote... when people telling me "I am doing well"
I always think... WHAT?? i lost my mother, just a matter of weeks ago...
Who could possibly be "doing well"??
This quote sums up exactly how it feels....
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
A Grief Observed.
An amazing description of JUST how I feel! Wow!
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."
~ C.S.Lewis
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."
~ C.S.Lewis
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sadness....
It comes in waves.
One moment i feel "ok"
The next i am a complete mess.
Multiple times a day i look at my phone.
Waiting for someone to call me and tell me "they've found her"
It was all a mistake.
My mind tells me.
She can't be dead.
Just "lost" she must be.
I want to believe that all the events of the last 7 weeks were just a bad dream.
Then the world comes crashing down.
When reality hits.
And i have to acknowledge that its not.
She really is gone.
I really went to her service.
I really went through her things.
I really have her jewelry.
Not because she let me borrow it.
But because shes no longer here to wear it.
My heart ache more than i can bear.
One moment i feel "ok"
The next i am a complete mess.
Multiple times a day i look at my phone.
Waiting for someone to call me and tell me "they've found her"
It was all a mistake.
My mind tells me.
She can't be dead.
Just "lost" she must be.
I want to believe that all the events of the last 7 weeks were just a bad dream.
Then the world comes crashing down.
When reality hits.
And i have to acknowledge that its not.
She really is gone.
I really went to her service.
I really went through her things.
I really have her jewelry.
Not because she let me borrow it.
But because shes no longer here to wear it.
My heart ache more than i can bear.
Some healing in an unlikely place
A Tattoo...
I always thought that i would get one, one day... i just never had something i wanted bad enough to know id never regret getting it! (I'm also a HUGE wimp when it comes to pain)... So a while ago i had a dream about my mom, and in the dream i had a tattoo on my wrist and i was showing it to her... she was crying and smiling and telling me how beautiful it was... it was such a powerful dream, it felt so real! when i woke up, i grabbed a pen and jotted down what it looked like... and i knew i had to have it! And i knew my sister had to come with me! She was set to go back to school a few days later, so on the evening before she left; we went and got inked together! It was the craziest experience EVER! it was surreal! i could literally feel my mom there with me... proud of me & laughing at me for the funny faces and noises i was making while getting it! LOL (MAN IT HURT!) It was also really "cleansing" like i gave my grief a physical "outlet" (if that makes sense) I am SO grateful to have something permanent, that i can see everyday, makes me feel she is right here with me! It was also a huge bonding experience for my sister and i... GREAT NIGHT! Some healing definitely took place in that little tattoo parlor!
Angel Wings & 143 = I Love You
I always thought that i would get one, one day... i just never had something i wanted bad enough to know id never regret getting it! (I'm also a HUGE wimp when it comes to pain)... So a while ago i had a dream about my mom, and in the dream i had a tattoo on my wrist and i was showing it to her... she was crying and smiling and telling me how beautiful it was... it was such a powerful dream, it felt so real! when i woke up, i grabbed a pen and jotted down what it looked like... and i knew i had to have it! And i knew my sister had to come with me! She was set to go back to school a few days later, so on the evening before she left; we went and got inked together! It was the craziest experience EVER! it was surreal! i could literally feel my mom there with me... proud of me & laughing at me for the funny faces and noises i was making while getting it! LOL (MAN IT HURT!) It was also really "cleansing" like i gave my grief a physical "outlet" (if that makes sense) I am SO grateful to have something permanent, that i can see everyday, makes me feel she is right here with me! It was also a huge bonding experience for my sister and i... GREAT NIGHT! Some healing definitely took place in that little tattoo parlor!
Angel Wings & 143 = I Love You
Monday, August 29, 2011
Like a River...
"Grief is like a river, not a ladder. When you suffer a loss and experience grief, you enter that river for good. It's not a steady stream: There are raging rapids of boulder-sized heartbreak and shallow pools of peace, where you get a chance to enjoy what's around you. But you are always on the river; there is no going ashore to return to a life without loss."
(Kathleen Gilbert)
*saw this on a support group im apart of and it spoke to my heart*
(Kathleen Gilbert)
*saw this on a support group im apart of and it spoke to my heart*
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